{why i can’t have nice things} Urination edition.

3 Mar

“A weekly, or as close as I can get to weekly, ritual (who am I kidding that I think I can do this every week). Some photos – with or without tons of explanation – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. A moment that makes me remember why exactly it is that I can’t have nice things (but someday will).”

**A twisted step-cousin twice-removed of www.soulemama.com‘s {this moment}.

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Upon returning home from work one evening last week, I was met in the driveway by my baying 50-pound beagle and three (screaming) adoring fans (read: my children). I’m not sure why they still do this, maybe they’re just psyched that I decide to come home every night. Who knows. So, after I signed some autographs, reviewed the day’s artwork, and kissed everyone, I left the boys to their own devices outside. I wended my way through the garage junk labyrinth. I passed by my husband who was heading out to assist in the grocery unloading (greeting with a solid and meaningful “high five”!) and I then proceeded to drop my pack mule–sized parcels onto the kitchen floor. Alone in my kitchen. Home.

I’m not certain that anything would prepare me for the words I then heard, right after that four second period of quiet respite in that kitchen. From the driveway, and directed towards either a. the kids, b. me, or c. Jesus, my husband asked/(hollered) the following question:

“Who pissed on the Blazer?!?”

On.

The Blazer.

Which is a vehicle.

Yes.

Who pissed on the Blazer.

Now, it’s hard to pick out the most disturbing part to this story. But I made a list so you, the readers, can pick. In no specific order (except for that first one):

1. Why anyone would pee on a vehicle. I mean, it’s the most blatantly obvious choice.

2. That someone had to ASK who, *exactly* peed on a vehicle. I mean, in most families, there’s probably always “that kid.” Like, “oh shit, Pete pissed on the Blazer again.” But in my family, anyone–everyone–was a suspect.

3. That there’s a lot of outside pissing going on, just in general up here.

4. That these were the first words spoken to/at me by my husband after I came home. I mean, we greeted–remember that high-five–but these were the first words.

5. That there became a hillbilly CSI-like episode out in my driveway; an episode complete with accusations, denials, close visual examination of the liquid, claims that it was just “pop,” and even…smelling.

I stayed in the kitchen for most of the action, and then headed towards my room. Alone. Whether it was because of shock, concession, or malaise, it’s not important. To be honest, I really didn’t care. Pissing on the Blazer. So what?

There is an understanding in my house. When things spiral out of control, I sometimes go into my room and sit quietly. It’s my proverbial, “count to 10.” When I check out for a few minutes and disappear, and after my kids figure this out and ask where I am, I simply respond (from behind the locked door), “I am in Maine.” Maine: a state that I’ve always wanted to visit. Where I’ve never been. Where I dreamed of going to college. Where my patron saint of 21st century motherhood lives. It’s my happy place. It’s where I pretend I am. It’s where all my kids are not crying and I’m wearing sweet Wellies to collect the chicken eggs while the fresh blueberry pies are baking. I am “in Maine.” It’s a simple mental exercise. It can be done anywhere, not just when sequestered in one’s room. They understand this.

So, things settled down. They always do. The piss on the Blazer was cleaned. I never followed up on who the guilty party was. I made myself a cup of tea. I am OK with things. I am OK with being me. I hung out and played with my kids in the family room. I smiled.

Music was played and we all were at peace with our world. And then, from out of the ashes of what could have been a horrible, terrible, no good night, Spider-Man serenaded me…all the way back to Maine.

Spider-Man also weaves webs of music...to torture people.

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10 Responses to “{why i can’t have nice things} Urination edition.”

  1. shoes March 3, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    Ahhhhahahahaha – thank you for the laugh. “Who pissed on the Blazer?” – indeed.

    • motherallie March 3, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

      Thanks! If I didn’t laugh…I would cry. A lot. : )

      • Kristen Strong Albright March 3, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

        I love this one. Really, really love it. Having girls, we typically don’t have to deal with the *pissing on things* issue so I love living vicariously through you. BTW, I go to the Bahamas in my mind. Bob Marley music, rum drinks, warm sun…ah! That beats blueberry pies and Wellies in my book any day.

      • motherallie March 3, 2012 at 9:13 pm #

        Ah, Kristen…glad to hear I am not the only one that has “a happy place.” Maybe I’ll mix some Bahamas in there sometimes. I like the sounds of it… : )

  2. Mary Alice Carr March 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    THIS. THIS is why i love you.

    • motherallie March 5, 2012 at 10:01 pm #

      Because of our freewheelin’ attitude towards pissing? Yeah, it’s a real social asset. Love you too!!!

  3. Lisa Gross March 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    OK, now I am peeing too–this is journalistic gold. Nicely done Allison–Miss Dougherty would be so proud.

    • motherallie March 5, 2012 at 10:36 pm #

      I think that little Barbie Jean would highly disapprove of this content…and I 100% would approve of her disapproval. (She’s like my own, “Newman” from Seinfeld.”) Still have the paper I wrote that she failed for being “too good.” “Allison: these are OBVIOUSLY not your own words and should be cited.” (I’m not still bitter or anything, Lis.)

  4. Lisa Means March 6, 2012 at 9:43 am #

    You are hilarious Allison – LOVE IT!!!

    • motherallie March 6, 2012 at 10:36 am #

      Thanks, Lisa! I think I started to become twisted during my Saint Bonnie’s days…so it’s partially your fault. : )

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